Look Through A Window
by Josie Gibbons
Summary: songfic - chris's first aniversary, but how is jal coping? short fic, but i quite like it


Found these lyrics, and thought they were defined chris/jal. Love that couple, such a sad ending to series two.

Just a little piece in third person, about Jal on Chris's first anniversary. Kind of moving, hopefully. Kind of weird ending.

DISCLAIMER: I dont own skins, or the song. Though I cant remember who owns the song, and I cant be arsed to check who actually owns skins.

LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW

If you had looked in the window that day, you wouldn't have seen anything unusual, but, to the girl sitting there, at the table, today was a day like no other. It may have looked the same, in fact to any outsider it was just a day, another Thursday afternoon. But to her, today was the day when it all changed, when she had to give it all up. Today, as she stared at the wall as she did every day without fail, this girl was remembering her lost love, the one she had given up everything for, and remembering who he was. For today, today was the first anniversary of his loss.

I thought I saw you yesterday

you looked how you looked

when you went away

Nothing about you has changed

Though our lives have rearranged.

If you had looked in the window just an hour later, you would have seen the same girl, tears streaming down her cheeks, with books spread around her. Not studying, these are books of photographs, as she remembers all the moments they shared, all those blissful days, weeks, months. If you had watched for any length of time you would have seen the girl bend and silently caress each picture in turn, either a stroke of her finger or the soft touch of her lips on the stained and battered sheets of thick paper. And as the tears fill her eyes, she remembers it all, from the first kiss down to the last, as she held his cold hand in hers one last time, and pressed her lips to his stony forehead.

I think I see you everywhere,

same face, same smile,

same eyes, same hair.

Exactly as you were before

we're not together any more.

"I never forget you." she whispers, as she stands up to make a cup of tea, her hands shaking as she pours boiling water over the teabag and reaches for the milk. And its true, because every day she sees him in her mind, in her thoughts. He's never far from her, he's always right with her. And sometimes, but not very often, she wishes that he would let her be, that she could forget, if only for a minute, and be strong again, be herself. But those thoughts, as always, are thrown away as she catches sight of him in one of the many photographs scattered around her apartment, their apartment, or as she is, invariably, drawn towards his grave again when she heads into town.

How can I forget you

when you're never gone from me?

As I go on I cannot let you

Age a day from me.

If you had looked through the window at about five pm that evening, you would have seen the same girl pottering about at her own speed, slowly preparing her dinner. Without thinking it seems, her attention is always drawn to a picture tacked to the fridge, and she looses endless minutes lost in the eyes what stare out at her from within it. If you could have zoomed in on the picture, you would have been able to see a shot, a moment in time captured forever on paper, of a young man with his hair in his face, staring boldly out at the camera with his tongue out, an idiotic grin on his face and a rizla paper stuck to his forehead. Fuck It, proclaims the rizla, in girlish hand writing, and it is this detail that the girl is ever drawn to, her eyes seeming to focus and slide out of focus as she gets lost in the memories of a time no longer there.

The song of your voice, your breath in my hair,

your face in new sunlight,

my clothes, without yours, thrown over the chair -

I reach for you in the night -

Had you looked into the window at about ten pm that night, you would have seen the girl lay down the pen and paper she had been writing in for the past hour and curl up on the sofa. Sighing softly as she pulls a worn woollen blanket over herself, you would have almost heard the girls whispered thoughts, as she reached for the lamp beside her head and flicked it into the off position. Looking down at her, you would have almost been able to see the pain in her face, the fear and hatred that has filled her for so long, and you would have seen it evaporate as she slipped slowly into sleep. Had you watched for just a few minutes longer, you would have seen an empty pill bottle slip from the girls grasp and fall to the floor, its lid rolling off and under the table. You would have seen, if you had kept watching, the girl take her last breath, fall silent, and been able to almost watch as her skin turned cold

I saw you yesterday, today, i'll see you tomorrow,

you arent there,

but I wont let you go

just cannot let you go

had you the nerve, as I had dear reader, you would have looked then at the note pad she had left on the table beside her, and if you had taken that step, this is what you would have read.

_To my dearest Chris._

_I'm sorry I couldn't be strong for you, I'm sorry I couldn't be like you in that way. I'm sorry that I was this weak, that I felt the need to do this to myself. But I did, and that's the fact of it. I love you, Chris, and I cant live without you. I love you so much, taking a year without you has been the hardest thing that I could have ever done, and that's why I've made my decision. I'll be with you soon, my love, and then I wont have the need for a letter, I'll be able to tell you all these things in person, to hold you in my arms and tell you everything I've wanted to tell you for so long, to apologise properly for not keeping our baby._

_Who knows, maybe if I had, I wouldn't have made my decision. But its the right one, my love, because I cant live on without you. And I would have hated to bring up any child with a mother like me, a mother who was just waiting for the correct time to leave this world. I've decided my love, and I've chosen the time, and the place. I'm going to go in the place we lived, in our apartment, on our sofa, the last place I saw you laughing and joking. And I'm going to go with a smile on my face, knowing that you love me and we'll be together soon._

_Oh my love, my Chris, its been too long since we were together, and I know you said to be strong, I know you said not to ruin my life. But I cant give you up, I cant move on yet. I don't think I could ever move on, and that's why my choice was obvious. There was no future for me here, no one who could make me smile even nearly as much as you did, no one who really understood me, who made me feel happy. And that's why I've made my decision._

_Fuck it._

_I've taken the pills, Chris. There's no going back now, and I don't want to. I'm ready to go, its just a case of waiting, and I know they should put me to sleep first. In fact, I'm already starting to feel dozy. But I want you, of all people, to know and understand my reasons, and to not feel any guilt for it. I did it because I wanted to, not because I wanted to be with you. I did it to be with you, but it was my choice, not based on anything you did, except maybe cause me to fall in love with you. I did it because I needed to, because not doing it was too painful for me. I did it because, and only because, I was ready._

_I love you Chris, I'll be with you soon my love._

_Always yours, always Jal_

Right, there ya have it. Just a little story. The ending was sort of just a random one, I wasn't going to do it but it popped into my head. It destroyed my plan for a sequel (I was going to do a different song for every year) but oh well... maybe i'll do that anyway.

So?? what do you think?? Press the little purple button in the middle of the screen and let me know!

Love and peace,

Sami-Chan,

The Stargazing Maiden


End file.
